Sheets of Sheeps

2010-01-18T11:42:00.003+08:00

"... ripping the plaster off the wound...

... you ripped the wound bigger..."

This metaphor is just wrong. A quick and fast pain which leaves you with a bigger scar.

Then you realized, why didn't you just leave it in the first place? With or without it, that scar ain't going away.

I am constantly being reminded of how a failure I can be. The more I tend to it, the more I see myself going back to where it began but worst.

Now all I need is just a bigger plaster.

Shouldn't I be immuned by now?

j0nb

2009-10-08T00:25:00.003+08:00

"... men and women talk...
... chicken and duck talk..."

I don't even have to ask and I know that the majority out there agrees.

Half of the time you do not understand why are they acting this way, be it man or women. Mostly people would assume what the other person is thinking. But by doing that, you in evidently made yourself to believe the other party's intention was inclining to your favor, which is natural, in which explains the nature of our existence.

Truth is, it works both ways. It is better if you realize it sooner.

Many people out there believe the essence of a good relationship revolves around the key ingredient, TRUST. Little did we know that the act without a doubt is indeed a very noble one, but in reality, it is actually giving up on understanding others.

That has nothing to do with the word trust but instead it is apathy.

You might have believed that trusting other was good and doubting people was bad. In return, you would have hardly understand anyone as you have chose to be apathetic towards other people's feelings.

In a nutshell, doubt them. It is just another form of getting to know them.

Think of it this way,

... we are farm animals after all ^_^"

j0nb

2009-09-13T01:26:00.005+08:00

"... the grass is always greener on the other side...

... seriously it's not the grass, it's just greed..."

It is not enough isn't it?

You look at the person next to you and you want to be in their shoes.
Have what they are having.
Believe me that this is all natural.

How I wish it is just grass that I want...

j0nb

2009-09-08T20:27:00.009+08:00

"... a love story of a realist...
... should never be told..."

It was the same as anyone first thought it would. The sight, the scent, the voice and the attention. Your senses heightened by even the slightest relation to it. Your heart race, you gasp and the rush. You can't explain what it is, you can't gauge how significant it is, but one thing for sure it drives you. Driven unconsciously doing things that your usual sane self would be reluctant to.

Yes, it was the same.

Your day brought more meaning. Just a glimpse and you know your day was complete.

... but slowly....

... you hunger for more.

Then you reached to the point of do or die. You became an opportunist, seizing every precious moment whenever you could to send the message across. And when it does, the state of euphoria and bliss.

You lost judgments of things. You look into the moment and never once you look back.

Until...

_________________________

It all started out the same. What it made you become it is an entirely different story.

That tear you shed.
The promise you made to yourself.
Never ever again.

To be exploited and giving in.

But it happens again and again.

___________________________

Hours of waiting. Presents you shower. Understanding and forgiving given. Your patience know no bounds. And you know you will fall for it over and over.

Just because you think that, this time is different.

But until then you will laugh at the face of it now. Anything revolves around it looks weak. The thought of it is repulsive to you and the idea repels. Stripping yourself bare from it, on the contrary gives you the armor against it. And now you believe you are protected...

until...

j0nb

2009-09-01T20:18:00.004+08:00

"... millions of you...
... one of me..."

This entry, we will be contemplating on one of the most inconspicuous and irregular subject of all time.

"Can a person... really change?"

Initially I suggest that it boils down to the differences in people and character. How could you differentiate between how a person is or was? Phases in life determines our maturity level, but changing US... it is indeed very subjective.

In the end, what YOU are hoping for might never happen.

So what are you waiting for then?

j0nb

2009-08-05T06:11:00.004+08:00

"... telling the truth...
... is probably the biggest lie after all... "

What is exactly the difference? Between lying and telling the truth when both can actually cause the exact same pain if not.

If you do not realize that we lie almost everyday just to dampen our sensitivity towards hurt and pain that is inflicted on our feelings and pride. Waking up every morning and telling yourself it is a good day. Looking into the mirror and call yourself beautiful. Walking 2km to school and telling yourself it is a good exercise. Little did you know, optimism, just another form of lying.

But there is no justifications to people who tries to fabricate a certain picture in your head to turn a bad situation around can be socially unacceptable. And the only reason to that is because it involves YOU.

Yeah, you would prefer someone being honest and telling the truth. You would prefer someone who tells you what they really feel or think about you. You would choose to hear their sincere explanation when they have done something wrong.

Now here's a perspective.

"... You are ugly and boring as hell!!! You think you know everything but I do not agree with you and the only main reason I am still here with you is because you make me look like a better person just by standing next to you."

Sincere and honest statement... which sounded so wrong. The irony to this, you want to hear it yet you hoped it be subtle. You are scarred either way. The tinge of doubt and the pain have been inflicted, be it the truth or not.

Advice?

Manipulate your statement to reflect at the receivers emotion and being empathetic to its response. Fabricate your perspective so the receiver could relate to their own and conclude your ideology being similar to one another.

See... that's is not even hard.

Either that... or you could just LIE :P

j0nb

2009-08-03T21:48:00.006+08:00

"... most impressions...
... are failed expressions..."

You know when they say "do not judge a book by its cover"? The main reason why many authors out there are pissed broke.

But by saying that, why do they make it sound like it is our fault?

I mean, how could I know if a book is good, if not by looking at its covers? I can't be reading the whole book to decide if it is a good book right? I can't be spending my entire time reading through all the books just the find the right one when I could be better off finding a good cover and then hope for it to be a good book.

What if that is not a good book?

Then find another one. You be better off trying out 5 nicely covered books rather than reading 1 book just to find out it sucks. And chances are, you will have a nice cover, with a nice plot, and a great ending, all in one book.

But we aren't talking about books are we?

The misconceptions about a certain individual lies in its affinity to perceive people. I wouldn't be surprised that many out there find me not the way they first met.

No one would believe that I was once a faggot. I sew, played with Barbie and friends, tried Loreal eyeshadow, and fitted perfectly in a MnG dress.

I had no idea what sex was until I was 18. My first kiss was robbed from me by girl which I do not fancy. The only cussing I ever made till 18 was "... your backside-lah"

...

That was out of topic, but nevermind.

Now I am having a hard time trying to convince my peers I am not what they perceived me to be. But like I said before, it is not their fault.

I wrote the book, remember?

j0nb

2009-08-03T04:34:00.006+08:00

"... if it's not worthwhile doing...
... it's not productive..."

Don't tell a person who plays games a waste of his time.

You just don't know how much he can earn from it.
You just don't know it's a multi-billion dollar business.
You just don't know its a real job.
You just don't know that not everyone can play.
You just don't know how smart he is.

Seriously, I can say the same for you too...

You are wasting your time in studying, when what you studied might be proven wrong.
You are wasting you time in saving, when what you save you might lost.
You are just wasting your time by sleeping; when you sleep you are doing nothing.

So yeah... I play games.

My current fetish,

In case you do not know what in heaven's name is that, I am spending truckloads on coloured paper which has been around since 1993. That card right there, cost you RM85. A piece of high-graded paper with 2 inch of art equals to a nice meal in a posh restaurant. Stupid?

There's more.

My first FNM (Friday Night Magic)- (an organized play where people who plays Magic the Gathering Trading Card game meets up to play against one another and gather points in a computerize system to gain ranks or to qualify yourself to play in the tournaments.), I would never in my right mind think that there would be so many people actually spend their money to be playing this kinda game. It is basically a huge community consisting huge numbers of matured married working adults, playing and trading. Prizes from hundreds to millions in tournaments have been proven. Crazy?

I do not know their reason for playing. They might be real geeks or otherwise.

Me?...

I am just bored.

j0nb

2009-07-25T03:05:00.006+08:00

"... budgetting is...
... to remind us how broke we really are... "

You'll be amazed how many people actually do make plans on their financial portfolio.
John Lennon once said,

"Life happens when you are busy making plans."

Indeed he is right. Unfortunately for him, he did not manage to make much use of it, after being shot and all, but I guess that is not the main point.

I do take heed to what he said. Which explains why I am always broke in the beginning of the month. But to second my notion on my spendrift nature, I truly believe I am living my life the way I wanted it to. I do not want to stop and look back to find myself asking,

"Why didn't I do it before?"

I can live with only dollars enough for a bus fare but I can't live with regrets. You never know when you are gonna die anyway so might as well live through it like it was your last.

Now...

What should I buy today?

*confessions of a spend-a-holic

j0nb

2009-07-21T02:41:00.010+08:00

"... demons, devils and angels...
... I am neither..."

This is dedicated to you Jolene :)

someone said,

"... Jon, your mom is really an extremist"
" yeah I know, try living with her"

Most of you might know what that particular someone is referring to. In case you do not, my mom is an extreme follower of her religion.

I have nothing against religions. I am a Christian myself just like my mother and family. It is just that sometimes my mom really take her beliefs to the next level. By means of next level I mean close to fanatical. The fact is that she did not crucify me on a cross or burn me on a stake made me believe that she is still an inch short of being a fanatic, which explains I'm not the godly or pious person you might know. But that is an entirely different story.

My mom, is the main reason why I totally refrain myself from the spiritual realm. Let me draw you some pictures.

I came back from work about 7am in the morning after an overnight shift. Almost going to bed, she came knocking on my door and start telling me how another friend of hers converted to Christianity. (minor note: Christians tends to be excited wee bit much when they manage to convince someone to join their flock... trust me) I was too tired to entertain her, so I told her I needed sleep, in a very grouchy tone. She was like,

"... see, Satan is stopping you from hearing the good news..."
" Ma, I've been up the whole night. Give me a break"
" Hmph, I am gonna rebuke you from the devil so you will accept his good news"
" ...you do whatever you want lah..."

Then I close the door on her. It does not stop her though. Next minute she started to murmur (speaking in "tongues" for all you Christians). Then it gets louder, and louder and LOUDER (almost hysterical). I gave up... I open the door... look her into the eyes... and said...

"where's the nearest Hospital?"
" why?"
"So I can go and kill myself"

Don't laugh. This is the kinda things I go through living with a person who have strong beliefs about God. It is really good. I have nothing against it, but please... leave me out of it.

I don't know if God exist or not, or to say I don't really care. I mean if HE does, and loves me unconditionally, its great. Does not affect me even if otherwise. Don't ask me why, or better, don't judge me. Why? Thou who judge would be judged... something like that, as the Christians would call it.

Besides my mom, I always believed that there is too much hypocrisy when it comes to Christianity. This is also in reference to Jolene's blog in which I agree to a certain extent. Then there is too many questions on the existence of the Lord in which created mere confusion that deters me in believing.

We were talking about Da Vincci Code the other day,

Raymond said "... ohhh, Da Vincci the guy... what was it about again ha?"

*shakes head

But yeah, the story itself is indeed fictional. It did cause uneasiness towards some believers but then again why should it? A firm Christian would have torched the bookstore if she/he could.

This is off the record, but I assume this Christianity thing is just a huge syndicate that is bound to be discovered as the years go by. I have always wonder, what would happen if WE found out that there was no such thing as Jesus Christ, or he was not as what we know as the son of God but just a mere conman who understand and excels in manipulating people to follow his side? That will indeed be an opening for an apocalypse.

There is so many questions I have in mind, but they would tell me to have faith and all those will be answered. How in the world you want me to believe if you can't even give me a simple explanation? In the book of Genesis, the first verse, talked about the creation of Earth. 7 days in total. 7 days in God's days might have meant 3,000,000,000,000,000 years. Because after he separated the sea and the land, light and dark, he totally skipped Dinosaurs and created birds and fishes. Great.

Jackee said "... the 2 person God created... was a remake of Snow White eating the apple"

*shakes head again

This 2 beings is another joke (no offense to Adam and Eve). I don't know what Christians have against apples and snakes, but talking snakes would definitely scare the shit out of me. But yeah, to them, this 2 ultimate beings are the reasons to our existence. Now to ponder, we are the descendants of Adam and Eve, which means also that your wife or your husband is also a descendant of Adam and Eve. So we are brothers and sisters no? So why is it wrong to be sleeping with your blood brother or worst, your mother if our existence started off on that foot? More even so, why not polygamy? Why is it against the 10 Commandments when this was how it was?

I can go on with the things my mom filled me with and the questions that comes along with it. But I'm afraid I might be assassinated.

To sum it up, I honestly do not care what a religion is based on as long it does not harm anyone. Just hopefully it does not force you to believe in it like how my mom does. You can't really tell if a religion is right or wrong. WE decide what is right or wrong. What is humanely acceptable for the society is always perceived to be right.

This is a food for thought for some, or poison, you decide.

As for me... I've decided ^_^

j0nb

2009-07-21T01:34:00.004+08:00

"... who are you?...
... what are you?..."

I am just as normal as any of you. Some might really disagree just because I don't think parallel to you but seriously...

How does that make me any different?

If I blend rice and drink them instead of eating them the way they should makes me abnormal? I believe I still have my share of carbs, just differently yet still the same.

If I practice polygamy, does that makes me unfaithful? I don't cheat, I don't lie and yet I love them unconditionally.

If I want a son who's mixed with foreign blood, and the fact I only have a Chinese wife, does that make me crazy? I just want what is best for my very own son.

Before I go on, let me clarify on the details above... the first two letters of those sentences are KEY~~

So yeah, I am the same person as any person you have met or known. I have the same needs and wants. Maybe my approach is slightly different but it does not give you the right to judge.

I was out with the bunch just now, and Sheryl asked me,

" do you sleep?"
" of course I do, the question is when. Why did you ask?"
" well I see you every night and then you go to work, then I see you again... "
" this is called TIME MANAGEMENT"
"yeer so abnormal..."

As long as I have my 8 hours (or maybe less) who cares what time I sleep? I'm not insomniac, neither am I having trouble sleeping at the right time. I mean seriously, there is no right time. The right time is when I have the time to rest enough, go to work fresh and play hard, is all that counts.

This is just a small example of my irregularity...

which makes me the most regular person you will ever know ^_^

j0nb

2009-07-19T00:19:00.002+08:00

"... it is not being lazy...
... it's regenerating if not recuperating... "

I apologize for being stagnant again. You just don't know how difficult it is to think of something significant to pen down whereby when you have the chance to read through it again you won't be asking yourself,

"... I don't have anything else better to do?..."

Or maybe I am just saving up all the good memoirs and readying myself for the greatest piece in abstract literature (if there is such a term) to ensure people who does read what I wrote more even myself, a good run for their money.

Perhaps, I mentioned earlier that I would want to redecorate this very "space" in a way that it will not bore the living shit out of you.

------------------- *another voice speaks*---------------------

... but seriously Jon... enough of excuses...

You're just LAZY, procrastinating, s l o w, indecisive... everything... but none from the above.

----------------------------
Here's some examples

It took you an hour later to reach your office

It took you 2 weeks to write to your real father (128 words-email)
It took you 3 months to update your blog
It took you 6 months to go the bank to settle your finance
It took you 7 days to get a fresh new pair of undies from the cleaners
It took you 365 days to hand in that assignment you owe your dean
It took you 4300km extra to get your car serviced (not yet btw)

That is a whole lot of numbers you have intentionally elongated to get a certain work done. I suppose you might be thinking that there could not be any justification to the things that you do or have done.

On the other hand,

You have made time for sleep
You have made time for people who needed your attention
You have made time for recreation
You have made time to inspire your mind
You have made time to look at things thoroughly if not differently
You have made time to appreciate the sudden things that come in your way

... You have taken and you have made... shouldn't it reconcile in your life's ledger, just like credit and debit? No?

Which explains why you are still in your office when your work was suppose to end 2 hours ago and your work is still not done, hence, YOU updated your blog!!!

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

j0nb

2009-04-06T23:37:00.002+08:00

"... a change is not a change...
... when things are different but you feel the same..."

I am seriously spending too much time at work. Thinking that by occupying myself with tons of things to do would make me feel better about myself which on the contrary, I feel stagnant and oblivious. I spent at least 14 of hours at work and 7-8 hours of sleep to regenerate which leaves me a balance of 2 measly hours which I try to make most of it by fulfilling my social life if not recreation. I feel like I am on the verge between losing my sanity to the infamous zombieism.

I NEED A GOD DAMN B R E A K

The only great thing I am looking forward to is my trip. One of the many things I wish for is finally coming to a realization.

The land of the rising sun.

Being said, I will die a happier man.

At the mean time, I need to do something drastic with my life. To relinquish myself. Relish my primal carnal sadistic inner masochist ahbeng self and realize all my dreams.

... but hell...

Where should I start?

j0nb

p.s: need to revamp the site. this dull blog is demoralizing. Brushing up my photoshopping skills and make this one eye candy ^_^V

2009-03-22T02:04:00.002+08:00

"... too little time in a day...
... yet you wasted most of them away..."

I felt time is moving too fast yet too slow. Watched the clock ticks minutes away and I'm here sitting and thinking what have I done yesterday. I am free but felt otherwise...

I miss...

not knowing where to go
not knowing what to do
whom I met
what have I done
wondering if it's right
wondering if it's wrong

It is true... perfection... makes you less human.

j0nb

2009-02-01T19:55:00.003+08:00

"... what goes around...
... will come smacking into your face... "

I could not afford to be subtle in this entry. Especially when you realize that karma is not either.

Lets start from the beginning.

It is not that the whole of January was uneventful. I just had this feeling that I could not be fucking bothered to write about "normal" and happy moments. It is the bad ones that are worth telling.

why?

We gloat at people's misfortunes. Many deemed sadistic in nature. We are curious to why "shit happens" as opposed to "hey it's a beautiful day". Men do not read the newspapers to see who won the lottery or what is the incoming weather forecast. We read when someone got raped by 5 men, butchered and dismembered. We read when a car crashed into a public lavatory or when someone jumped of a bloody roof... even if it was printed in fine print.

why...

...oh well...

January was a great month. New Year's great, family's wonderful, happy friends, new clothes, birthdays (Dad's, Joe and the 3 wheeler), Graduation (Dip in Hotel Management), Bonus and the list goes on and yet... I feel the same.

February on the other hand...

My very distant ex's husband died due to substance intake and alcohol. I was not surprised nor do I feel any hint of remorse. Just felt that she had it coming. We can contemplate the fact why am I so inhumane but seriously... who cares? You?
...Maybe it was salvation that her husband requires, living with that woman for that long of a time was probably why this should be a redemption instead. If you wanna hear me bitch about this particular woman, should be done on an entire different entry. But yeah, he died. Kudos and good luck.

I have not won a single cent since Chinese New Year. Let me rephrase that...

I have been fucking losing every single cent since Chinese New Year!!! Good year for the rooster, my bloody fucking black "baboonic" ASS.

'nuff said...

Today basically took the whole cake. Initially I thought that after such a loooooooooooooooooong time since I have been to church, just thought that HE appreciates the fact that I made an effort to see HIM in such a long while, turns out to be some wicked punishment of sorts by the DeViL himself. Slept and snored through the whole sermon, and I thought my dead grandmother was bad enough.

Went out for a little window shopping when my lady boss called and wreaked HELL on earth due to my stupid mistakes. An hour an a half after she slammed my call, I received a text from my boss again due to another mistake and seeking explanation.

DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO COME IN PAIRS?!?!?!

Latter part, I was forced to skipped my 8th day Chinese New Year Celebration just because I took my leave on a wrong day and none of my colleagues are willing to change. I'm so screwed by her... sigh...

... now I challenge you Mr. Karma...

... is that all you got? *spit

bite me

j0nb

2009-01-04T03:37:00.002+08:00

"... the signs are everywhere...
...people just pick what they wanted to see..."

You tried to reach out but to no avail. In silent contemplation you wondered if you have figured it wrong.

Maybe we are all afraid.

I know I am. How vulnerable it can be. I might have it no longer.

Maybe it is not even mine for the taking. I'm just fortunate for what it is worth.

Thank you.

I'm missing her already.

p.s: I'm hungry... French Fries right now will do me justice...

j0nb

2009-01-03T02:22:00.010+08:00

"... this year's vintage...

... just like a good bottle of wine..."

The life, bottled and corked in a cellar of memories.

Some drink off it, got drunk, and forget.
Some keep, reap the value and appreciates.

This year and the next... would make no difference. How relevant it is to the precious fluid that many shares different affinity to. Hoping that one day, someone might acquire the same tannin taste that both might enjoy.

... till then, you're just hoping.

The end of 2008 marks a milestone. Many claims that there were no changes but I plead otherwise. Christmas dinner was the hugest ever, considering the fact I have a small but diversified family. Plus nothing beats meeting cousins who thinks you are weird and treats you as an outcast.

Adidas "Philly Blunt" Superstar

A great Christmas yet again for the fact my sister always manage to get me something I like. I have also spend a fair amount of presents for friends and family. Buying six watches (2 is illustrated below),a handbag and 2 bracelets. What I got in return is 2 ties (please take note, I hate ties), a pair of awesome sneakers and an ugly useless paperweight. Oh well... beggars can't be choosers. I've learn to take things as they go, thus living to the fullest is top priority. I'm making afternoon tea a habit from now on... though I am truly aware of what it is doing to my weight.Seriously, how could you resist something like that? With the wide array of food and alcohol, it strikes me odd that I'm finally gaining weight... at the wrong places. I'm accountable for the doings thus I have to receive penance. 2 hours gym sessions 3 times a week is not helping. Not when my drinking partner is always around since the day he got back from Philly. I suppose they have groomed him well. Tolerance wise:PWe practically soak up Marketplace every night whilst enjoying the flamboyant gays parading at every corner of our sight.

As we wave 2008 goodbye and welcoming 2009 with style, I never expect a house party could be this wild. Huge lawn, D.I.Y Strobes, PVD tracks, 200 bucks of wet greens, and a monstrous selection of processed ethanol at our dispense. I remembered someone brought Mac and cheese, I would marry that person just to have those everyday. Argh!! Binge, binge binge...

Uncorking 2008, bitter tannin at the start, sweet aftertaste with a hint of spice. Solid body overall but sadly was not matured enough.

Now I just wished I had a couple more bottle of those:P

j0nb

2008-12-10T21:54:00.004+08:00

"... forgive and forget...
... forget about forgiving... "

Your pride halts you from rational perspective of understanding the answer behind the reason. You proceed in giving yourself an explanation to justify given facts to obtain the truth in which is emotionally acceptable for you. And finally what you achieve in the end is denial compositions in which, you manipulate your reasoning to attain a logical sense of things, in your very own point of view.

Complex

I'd say "... forget it and accept it and move on..."

Trust me, it makes you and I a happier person.

j0nb

2008-12-07T23:07:00.004+08:00

"... men need what they do not want...
... but want what they do not need..."

I realize that this statement might not be entirely true. I believe that we all measure things differently. I might not be able to gauge the importance this is to you, but it does not mean I can stop you from doing whatever you see fit. With that, whatever floats your boat, floats mine.

Haven't seen her for awhile, but it seemed like yesterday. Now curly hair; aggressive. Drink and dance. Underneath that shell though, I sense naive, denial. Grown to be a fine woman, I tried a different approach and accept her new found mentality.

The night ended, and it's time to go. The quiet journey back to her place allows me to see her stripping the hard coat. That is when I found another victim of the world. Not knowing what to do and where to start, how it happened and why...

I could not help her, because she might not or will not understand.

I could not help her, because I might not or won't understand.

It's a phase... whatever makes you happy ^_^

j0nb

2008-12-07T02:51:00.009+08:00

"... calling out...

... to the Penang island..."

Was listening and singing along to the King of Convenience- Cayman Islands. If you have never heard of them is fine... so did I, until someone slap it on my face long time ago... yeah yeah... they are not bad:P

I managed to squeeze in a holiday trip for myself during my week off, all thanks to my chubby friend. Can't say I did not enjoyed it. Can't say I did either. Perhaps it was partly work and hardly play... but meh... I'll let you all be the judge from the snaps below^_^

The first picture taken the moment I got there... Queensbay Mall. Can't figure out what does those angels have to do with mall. Weird theme.

My job scope involves sitting in Dome all day and acting pretty, and of course enjoying my fav... hearts you baby~!!Dome's outlet manager
... and Starbucks. I love my coffee thank you...
... 'nuff said... not only in Mumbai trust me...
~opps.. he did it again...
The event
+
The job
+
The cast
... whilst occupying ourselves to retail therapy. Working can be pretty boring...
... not too bad on the first day.
... we decided to go on a road trip on the second day; feels like I'm not in Penang at all.
... and how much people boast about their food. Urgh, I'm not amazed.
The injured victim who was unable to work on the second day...
Photo sessions for remembrance.
Why she does that I really don't know.
... all I wanted was some peace...
but of course... I did manage to find the love of my life in Penang, in which made me a happier man in the end...Who's that unlucky girl you might say...

...

j0nb

2008-12-06T02:03:00.004+08:00

"... birthdays is to remind you...

... that you are a better swimmer than the rest of the millions..."

Another tribute to my alter ego.

I hoped he had his fun.
I hoped he likes his Euphoria moment.
I hoped he likes diversified company.
I hoped he likes his Vodka Coke.
I hoped he likes the racist jokes in SS2.
I hoped he likes raiding 7-11.
I hoped he likes his after-party.
I hoped he likes his Shotgun Special Brew.
I hoped he likes drunk driving with GPS navigation.
I hoped he likes his "happy" with a lot of alcohol.

I hoped he is happy... on his birthday... my good friend...

... smile, you're on candid camera...
... great things comes in pairs...
... instead of you, I got my present:P...
... so did Matt...

So now... what else do you wish for? Another birthday perhaps:P

j0nb

2008-12-06T01:20:00.005+08:00

"... a thousand mistakes...
... one forgiveness..."

No, this is not about doing anything wrong. This explains the imbalance of the common beliefs and the shortcomings of fairness and just. There is no equality... never have... and never will be.

The only one day I pay my dues to you... of the rest of the 364 days of instability in which I believe it was appreciated.

This is a tribute to you ...

Standing ovation to the wonder woman
The way to a woman's heart is through a crazily priced and romantic restaurant
Euphoric settings that will wanna make you rather orgasmic rather than hungry.
... not to mention it comes with a water spitting fountain

A portion which is only fit for 1/4 of my stomach
... and here comes the dessert. Always... always get dessert. "if you don't want them to nag at you after dinner:P"

Happy Birthday to you Bejim:)
... now go clean the dishes:P...

j0nb

2008-12-02T21:35:00.006+08:00

"... tainted milk...

... is always new cheese..."

Here comes the time of recollect. I have managed to obtain serenity throughout a week of inactivity. Things were pretty eventful for the past 3 months and I was about to think that I would finally cave in. Maybe I needed it. Maybe I'm used to it. Maybe it have to happen.... maybe.

Repetitive... same occasions, different people. This truly justifies the reason for us to have resolutions every end of the year. Therefore I refuse to commit myself to the norm and hoping for some niche differences for any time to come. I am everything, but contented.

But I guess everyone will change. I remember how I used to disagree with my very first girlfriend that people don't change. I was wrong. They do change, or should I say evolved, through the personal experiences, knowledge acquired in order to better survive in the society. Even so, I feel different, think differently, act different and thus being... indifferent. Because I believe that deep down, you're just the same old milk from the same old cow.

That is still the same Jon behind that stupid mineral mask and a very expensive facial.

The same Jon behind the vivid graphic...
The same Jon after shedding his skin...

... why the hell I went and do that? Oh well... resolutions :P

j0nb

2008-11-24T17:03:00.002+08:00

"... fresh start...

... is never fresh..."

It has taken me awhile; heaving from the weight upon my chest, day after day...

Gaze upon the reflection of my memories, I see a myriad of emotions, a kaleidoscope of distortion of actuality. All seemed so familiar...

... deja vu...

j0nb

2008-11-12T03:27:00.006+08:00

"... no one deserves a second chance to start over...

... just an opportunity to make things right after..."

I have made a mistake. The mistake is ME.

In my discovery in uncovering the facts, I have found myself intertwine in a very twisted plot. A long chain of deceiving acts. Just when I thought I have the situation under control, I was actually a puppet, yanked to the mastermind's bidding.

... and they succeeded.

In my pursue to seek the balance in my life, I left myself naked. I was oblivious to the fact.

So, have I not done anything wrong?

I did...

... by leaving my guard down and being sincere.

... by being selfish so that I can make everyone happy.

... by lying so I won't hurt anyone but myself.

... by giving another chance to be abused by trust.

... by neglecting attention and handling it alone.

I did, and I won't deny it.

I did and I'm ashamed of it.

I did and I can't regret about it.

This has indeed proven that it only takes ONE fucking hand to clap. As the opposing side wins, it would not matter. This is because I believe that this statement is untrue...

"you cannot trust anybody in this world"

Huh?

"trust everyone... as if they are your enemy"

Now, that's more like it ^.^

j0nb

2008-11-09T06:16:00.003+08:00

"... superficial behavior...
... that is ironically cliche..."

Whitney Houston- Saving all my love for you
A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you

You used to tell me we'd run away together
Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient, just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy
I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling when
you walk through that door
'cause tonight is the night, for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love for you

No other woman, is gonna love you more
Cause tonight is the night, that I'm feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yeah I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love for you
For you, for you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beverly Craven- Promise me
You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night
You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away
lying by my side
when I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cos I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cos I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cos I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

A dedication to myself...

j0nb

2008-11-09T02:51:00.005+08:00

"... once bitten, twice shy...
... twice bitten, never try..."

I feel insecure, antagonizing fear...

Whom do you trust? What do you believe? Where are the facts?

It has never bothered me. I could not care less on what people think. People who knows me well enough, this does not affect me. Why? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words could never hurt me.

Perhaps it is because I'm an escapist.
Perhaps I'm denial.
Perhaps I love to manipulate.

They could believe what they wanted to believe. They could listen what they wanted to hear. They can look at what they saw... but they will never see...

Never see...
Never understand...
Never feel...

I cannot afford to be empathetic, no longer. Neither could I try to understand why...

Love me or hate me. I don't care... or maybe I stopped caring. I am for what I am.

Who are you to judge?

j0nb

2008-11-08T03:59:00.005+08:00

"... falling in love with yourself...
... is definitely the hardest love of all..."

Acceptance.

You were never satisfied with the way you look. You wish you were taller, buffed. You wish that pimple or that scar would just go away. Or the extra meat on your belly would just end up either on your chest or arms.

Acceptance?

She says you nag too much. She complaints that you are always late. You make no sense to her. She compares you to any Tom, Dick and Harry.

...

Now imagine... what if your other half is the exact replica of what you are? A metaphor that seemed so familiar, in which indeed has proven that it takes only Jesus to accept you for who you are. Sadly I was comfortable living with myself or I thought I was... and the reason maybe the case that you/I could not comprehend being alone without yourself.

Now all you/I have left to do is to accept... and pray that it does not eat you and I alive.

j0nb

2008-11-07T01:40:00.016+08:00

"... wake me up...

... when October ends..."

A night I spent with Joe at Steven's Corner in OUG, it came to me. How long has it been since I came here? How did it went by so fast?

It has been almost a week, since October. It still feel so close. So many has happened.
But I guess the good one always stays...

The early of the month started off like a maestro on a masterpiece. A rare celebration of the day I was born...
... with the only woman who managed to tolerate 8 years of a 27 year-old abomination...

... and of course the whole entourage of freakiest family members.

That was only the appetizers... did I mention the word freaky?

Then came the 3 men that made my life felt like a highway with tons traffic lights... literally...

This is the main reasons behind the anomaly of my life... yeah both of you should be proud.
... what did I say...
This is the 3 women... in which totally changed my perceptions on women entirely.

See... I did not lie...

... this video is not suitable for minors... as it is proven that the female specimen has indeed ee von, *cough, I mean evolved.

After the turbulence ended... with a lot of sumo bed fights...

... things have started to unwind and tuned down.

Trying to facade myself and be "normal"...
p/s: I hate weddings...

... but injuring myself in the process. Sprained shoulder and broken knuckle is definitely a great way to end the month.

Now I wonder... if these were the good ones, the bad ones could really mean something...

j0nb

2008-11-03T22:02:00.006+08:00

"... irony of masochism...
... parody of sadism..."

Have you ever wondered the sufferings? Why is there pain? Degradation and humiliation?

Not that I myself pondered about it, but it seems to revolve around my life too often as it is. We either choose to live it with or be denial and pretend that it's a bed of roses. Amazingly for some people, it is their fuel to live, their purpose of their existence. My mum use to say "... Son ar... first you have to taste bitter, then you will learn how to appreciate the sweet...", that coming out from my mum has to be something either really religious or makes completely no sense at all. Mockery aside, I truly find the composition makes perfect sense. Thanks ma:)

Looking at the things happening around me recently made me wonder...

I'm a sadist...

I inflicted misery, make a mockery of certain people, and host series of drama. And they keep on coming back for more... damn masochists.

I throw hurtful statements, they find humor.
I push them away, they splash attention.
I abuse them, they understand.
I hurt myself, they feel pain.

At the given same time...

I'm a masochist...

They entertain me, I chose to be depressed.
They care for me, I wanted to be alone.
They give me peace, I seek for trouble.
I hurt myself and wallow in my own misery.

It is like a perfect symphony of mixed emotions... just like Romeo and Juliet.

" ... but why?", they asked...

" ... you will never be happy", they said...

I suppose it is because I just get to live my life just once, and I chose to make the most of it... ...bitter sweetly...

j0nb

2008-10-23T18:11:00.004+08:00

"... unconcious incompetency...

... you don't know what you don't know... "

Children Learn What They Live

By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright ?1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Now... pick one

j0nb

2008-10-19T09:35:00.004+08:00

"... when the damage is done...
... picking up the pieces hurts the most... "

It has only been a month. A month ephemeral bliss, short-lived just like the fireworks when it died down.

In this past month, I have...
Gained and lost a sister...
Gained a friend and lost one...
Gained a crush and lost trust...

It has only been a month, and I'm already missing it.

There is nothing much I could or could not change, for a fact that the things that had happen happened and words spoke to are spoken. I could not deny that there is room for doubt on the things that had occurred yet wondering if I had done it right.

It was really a comfortable feeling to be needed and wanted. To be welcomed and admired... and when circles ended, it turns around and bites you. You are being perceived and judged, demanded and opposed.

The fine line between right and wrong has obstruct my rationalism. I think I've done it right, but it felt so wrong. Would it had been better, if I was never in the picture in the first place?

Who cares? The glass is already broken... just sweep it up clean and move on.

j0nb

2008-10-05T19:37:00.004+08:00

"... when things shouldn't happen..
... it will... "

It was really bad. It ate my sanity. I have let myself down. The guilt, never knew it hurt so bad.

My appearance within my current peers have caused much disaster. I ruined, I destroyed and I vanquished the stability of the common practices. In the efforts of making other people happy, I have made "other" people mad. And when you think you could please both worlds, I can't.

I have made really great friends, I have exposed myself to new things and I have made many huge mistakes in the process. Once again, another lesson deemed unnecessary.

I plead guilty for,

... being there for someone when I should not be.

... being secure and mature when it is none of my business.

... being funny and kind when it is not my job.

... being sincere and honest and not letting anyone know.

... being here...

My existence is such a pain in the ass and I totally believe, I am a drama addict.

j0nb

2008-10-03T19:38:00.003+08:00

"... it's been awhile...
... cause it has never stopped... "

I feel wanted, and torn apart...

I feel great yet tired...

I feel loved and hated...

I feel high at the same time I'm down...

What am I contemplating about? I have taken each day as a great blessing. I had fun. I have a life. Does not even matter if its on a bad or a good side of it. Oh what the hell, it's just one of those moments when you reminisce about what you have been through and you look back at it and find it extremely surreal. The flashbacks, the peak of the moment.

Self-actualization. And I do know what I want...

A tattoo on my birthday and a bloody I-phone so I can keep my intimate contacts.. ha ha ha.

Yes... I'm predictable.

j0nb

2008-09-30T19:13:00.011+08:00

"... one night in Cititel...

... ten folds of chaos..."

I've been seriously paced out on the days I'm in. Parties from morning till night, then night to mornings. Colorful... just colorful...

This is not my usual entry, just thought that my blog is getting rather dull with no pictures of any sort. I know not many enjoys my ideology:P

Yea yea... Pictures tells a thousand words no?

So here it is... my life in the weekends... and err... after...

Cititel bathroom escapade...

Young girls grow fast don't they?
Kids... don't try this at home... it's not fucking easy...
Michelle, Lui Lui and a pedophile...

My prized God sis in an event on Monday in Midvalley. She is in the one in the middle with frizzy hair. Damn proud of her. Love you Mui:)

And here is a video on the performance:)

j0nb

2008-09-29T21:48:00.003+08:00

"... it's hard trying to be someone...
... it's even harder being yourself... "

Disappointment arises when you are not what you are expected to be. Seriously I don't give 2 hoots about what people think. But what happens if you don't even like who you are in the first place?

...

Mentality of mine was never accepted and shunned. Rationalism of mine is despised and crucified. Alienated from the aspect of humanism. Best part of all, I just love to prove myself I'm wrong.

Just hoping I could at least sit on a fence and look things at both ways, but no... I choose to overdo things to the extent of arising confusion. It never seemed to matter, but when it starts to hurt people around you, and you think that you don't care... hypocrisy.

As the weekend has ended on a very stressed note, I can't imagine how long I can actually do this. Everything around me is getting affected for a fact of a perception of selfishness on my part. I tried to enjoy myself minus the babysitting, it was not all that bad. Only downside of this, they wanted more. I accommodated... they wanted more.

Maybe it is time to start taking, then maybe I will learn how to love myself thus love everyone else.

j0nb

2008-09-27T05:33:00.002+08:00

"... finally the dust settles...
... um... lets kick it up again!!..."

All has been said and done...

Cards was on the table...

No more hypocrisy... procrastination... minus the seduction.

I just feel I am really out of my own league. Too tired too even pass the ball to anyone else. Just felt like letting the ball drop and roll to where ever it pleases. I hate the fights, the animosity. Just needed the tranquility for once.

Wait... once?

I have been seeking tranquil since the moment I know I was deep in the game. I knew if I turn back, I turn back for good. Maybe I was not ready for that. Maybe I dig myself in deeper whenever I pulled myself out every time. And every time I manage...

... and I finally realize...

I love this game Goddammit!!!

... yeah yeah... put a bullet through me... then maybe I can get some peace...

j0nb

2008-09-25T23:55:00.003+08:00

"... complications in simplicity...
... simplified complications..."

They can't understand.

The strong words, complex language engineering and beating around the bush. This is what they allow themselves to see. This goes very well with our lives itself.

We tend to make things in our lives a little complicated sometimes. How when things are pretty darn straight forward, we just have to come up with something so that it will enter through your bloody ears and brain-fucks you. Amazingly, we can never have enough of that.

Spending our years, toiling in soil, somehow anyone with the right mind will not make things harder for us. No one... but ourselves.

I think this is what basically kept us alive for so long. The curiosity, expansion on enhanced emotions and the unnecessary knowledge. We thrive for it, we hunger for it, we want it. No matter how certain some people are against it, there is no denying we craved for the difficulty itself. We challenge the easy and worship the hard.

As a result... we improve, we grow, we learn, we earn. If not... we ain't human.

... but then again... I might be wrong.

j0nb

p/s: I'm sorry Clarence, I promised that this would be an easier one but I just could not denigrate the value of the complexity of this blog... hahaha~!!

2008-09-25T00:19:00.005+08:00

"... things happened for a reason...
... why the hell do I care?..."

This have been definitely exhilarating for the past entire month. Recalling the past week itself has been an entire nightmare. I have been trying to be subtle with my entries, many could not comprehend. I wish I could be normal...

... me, normal, *laughs*

I have been drugging myself... with a close threat to addiction.

I got myself involved with minors of 18s... and with almost one lower than that.

I have been in a real fire, saved it and out of... a bloody nightclub.

... me, subtle, *laughs*

All my initial entries was revolving around the epic endeavors I have been facing. So it really does not matter if any of my sheeplings do not understand. I wish I could clarify on the details, but I rather choose not to.

Why?

Well, if I tell it straight to your face, where is the fun in that?

*laughs*

j0nb

2008-09-23T23:24:00.004+08:00

"...when lying is working...
...working is lying..."

The moment of truth never really existed whilst in the midst of only believing what you wanted to see. You were sitting there, hoping clashing of glances, mixed feelings and display of fake emotions and yes, we have managed to lie. We need not care to whom we were lying to, someone, ourselves. In the spur of the moment, we chose the best course of action is to be what we are not in avoidance to being judged, the prejudice and the ambiance of uneasiness.

Is it worth it?

This does not seemed to matter when you know deep down inside, the suffocation of truth consumes you. The demise of integrity, leaves you empty and shallow, filling the void with falsehood of surreal facts.

Is it worth it?

I suppose... hard work... pays off.

j0nb

2008-09-22T08:32:00.004+08:00

"... 99.9% will choose the easiest way...
... but the hardest way is what we hoped it is easy..."

Have it not have happened under those circumstances, I would have not been this perplexed. The answer was obvious but we chose to ponder and giving ourselves an excuse not to pick the way that is deemed rational. Hesitation, frustration... and finally we give in... giving in to a choice that we do not want but need, do not believe but see, do not try but easy. This is a decision we believe allows us to reach our motive, whether the journey is painful or not.

We choose to be denial, unaware that it is giving a pain that is sublime, in which result to numbness towards the sensitivity of others. This immunity allows you to think rationally, act maturely and see clearly.

But there is one tiny glint of thought in the corner of everyone's mind...

What if....?

That glint of hope is the beacon that will give us a memory that will last us a lifetime... and a lifetime of regret.

j0nb

2008-09-18T18:31:00.001+08:00

"... everyone has a price tag...
...mine's just pricier..."

This statement is unrelated to any financial status quo. This is just to say that I personally believe, anyone, just everyone, can be manipulated. I wouldn't have got myself a RM452 hairdo today if I was not...

Being a sucker for the same reason as always, and seriously, I don't need any of you to remind me of my incapability to resist my apparent downfall. Hence this has made me realized that, everyone is either being suckered, sucked, or sucking-up to either something/ someone. That's pretty a lot of sucking I might say.

Now I wonder... what's her price tag...? Things would have been alot easier...

j0nb

2008-09-17T19:35:00.003+08:00

"... out of the fire, into the furnace...
... doesn't mean I didn't like what I saw..."

Everyone just needs a little push, if not by decision to make certain mistakes in their life in which in a cost of eternity remorse.

... but at that very moment... did I like what I was doing?
... it was and always been a yes.

Therefore it is not to an astonishment in someones lives that we petty humans set a certain principality, a certain benchmark, a guideline and a zen of life to follow by in order that what we expect at the end of the road is what is expected in the end... Seriously, you are not buying that are you?

No... we choose to live the best of today, enjoy tonight and fuck tomorrow. It happens to the best of us, cause if it did not happened to you, you better start living dear.

How about tomorrow?

Look at my face... Do you think I care?

The face of a remorseful man...

j0nb