"... men and women talk...
... chicken and duck talk..."

I don't even have to ask and I know that the majority out there agrees.

Half of the time you do not understand why are they acting this way, be it man or women. Mostly people would assume what the other person is thinking. But by doing that, you in evidently made yourself to believe the other party's intention was inclining to your favor, which is natural, in which explains the nature of our existence.

Truth is, it works both ways. It is better if you realize it sooner.

Many people out there believe the essence of a good relationship revolves around the key ingredient, TRUST. Little did we know that the act without a doubt is indeed a very noble one, but in reality, it is actually giving up on understanding others.

That has nothing to do with the word trust but instead it is apathy.

You might have believed that trusting other was good and doubting people was bad. In return, you would have hardly understand anyone as you have chose to be apathetic towards other people's feelings.

In a nutshell, doubt them. It is just another form of getting to know them.

Think of it this way,

... we are farm animals after all ^_^"


j0nb

"... the grass is always greener on the other side...

... seriously it's not the grass, it's just greed..."

It is not enough isn't it?

You look at the person next to you and you want to be in their shoes.
Have what they are having.
Believe me that this is all natural.

How I wish it is just grass that I want...


j0nb

"... a love story of a realist...
... should never be told..."

It was the same as anyone first thought it would. The sight, the scent, the voice and the attention. Your senses heightened by even the slightest relation to it. Your heart race, you gasp and the rush. You can't explain what it is, you can't gauge how significant it is, but one thing for sure it drives you. Driven unconsciously doing things that your usual sane self would be reluctant to.

Yes, it was the same.

Your day brought more meaning. Just a glimpse and you know your day was complete.

... but slowly....

... you hunger for more.

Then you reached to the point of do or die. You became an opportunist, seizing every precious moment whenever you could to send the message across. And when it does, the state of euphoria and bliss.

You lost judgments of things. You look into the moment and never once you look back.

Until...

_________________________

It all started out the same. What it made you become it is an entirely different story.

That tear you shed.
The promise you made to yourself.
Never ever again.

To be exploited and giving in.

But it happens again and again.

___________________________

Hours of waiting. Presents you shower. Understanding and forgiving given. Your patience know no bounds. And you know you will fall for it over and over.

Just because you think that, this time is different.

But until then you will laugh at the face of it now. Anything revolves around it looks weak. The thought of it is repulsive to you and the idea repels. Stripping yourself bare from it, on the contrary gives you the armor against it. And now you believe you are protected...

until...


j0nb

"... millions of you...
... one of me..."

This entry, we will be contemplating on one of the most inconspicuous and irregular subject of all time.

"Can a person... really change?"

Initially I suggest that it boils down to the differences in people and character. How could you differentiate between how a person is or was? Phases in life determines our maturity level, but changing US... it is indeed very subjective.

In the end, what YOU are hoping for might never happen.

So what are you waiting for then?


j0nb

"... telling the truth...
... is probably the biggest lie after all... "

What is exactly the difference? Between lying and telling the truth when both can actually cause the exact same pain if not.

If you do not realize that we lie almost everyday just to dampen our sensitivity towards hurt and pain that is inflicted on our feelings and pride. Waking up every morning and telling yourself it is a good day. Looking into the mirror and call yourself beautiful. Walking 2km to school and telling yourself it is a good exercise. Little did you know, optimism, just another form of lying.

But there is no justifications to people who tries to fabricate a certain picture in your head to turn a bad situation around can be socially unacceptable. And the only reason to that is because it involves YOU.

Yeah, you would prefer someone being honest and telling the truth. You would prefer someone who tells you what they really feel or think about you. You would choose to hear their sincere explanation when they have done something wrong.

Now here's a perspective.

"... You are ugly and boring as hell!!! You think you know everything but I do not agree with you and the only main reason I am still here with you is because you make me look like a better person just by standing next to you."

Sincere and honest statement... which sounded so wrong. The irony to this, you want to hear it yet you hoped it be subtle. You are scarred either way. The tinge of doubt and the pain have been inflicted, be it the truth or not.

Advice?

Manipulate your statement to reflect at the receivers emotion and being empathetic to its response. Fabricate your perspective so the receiver could relate to their own and conclude your ideology being similar to one another.

See... that's is not even hard.









Either that... or you could just LIE :P



j0nb

"... most impressions...
... are failed expressions..."

You know when they say "do not judge a book by its cover"? The main reason why many authors out there are pissed broke.

But by saying that, why do they make it sound like it is our fault?

I mean, how could I know if a book is good, if not by looking at its covers? I can't be reading the whole book to decide if it is a good book right? I can't be spending my entire time reading through all the books just the find the right one when I could be better off finding a good cover and then hope for it to be a good book.

What if that is not a good book?

Then find another one. You be better off trying out 5 nicely covered books rather than reading 1 book just to find out it sucks. And chances are, you will have a nice cover, with a nice plot, and a great ending, all in one book.

But we aren't talking about books are we?

The misconceptions about a certain individual lies in its affinity to perceive people. I wouldn't be surprised that many out there find me not the way they first met.

No one would believe that I was once a faggot. I sew, played with Barbie and friends, tried Loreal eyeshadow, and fitted perfectly in a MnG dress.

I had no idea what sex was until I was 18. My first kiss was robbed from me by girl which I do not fancy. The only cussing I ever made till 18 was "... your backside-lah"

...

That was out of topic, but nevermind.

Now I am having a hard time trying to convince my peers I am not what they perceived me to be. But like I said before, it is not their fault.

I wrote the book, remember?

j0nb

"... if it's not worthwhile doing...
... it's not productive..."

Don't tell a person who plays games a waste of his time.

You just don't know how much he can earn from it.
You just don't know it's a multi-billion dollar business.
You just don't know its a real job.
You just don't know that not everyone can play.
You just don't know how smart he is.

Seriously, I can say the same for you too...

You are wasting your time in studying, when what you studied might be proven wrong.
You are wasting you time in saving, when what you save you might lost.
You are just wasting your time by sleeping; when you sleep you are doing nothing.

So yeah... I play games.

My current fetish,

In case you do not know what in heaven's name is that, I am spending truckloads on coloured paper which has been around since 1993. That card right there, cost you RM85. A piece of high-graded paper with 2 inch of art equals to a nice meal in a posh restaurant. Stupid?

There's more.

My first FNM (Friday Night Magic)- (an organized play where people who plays Magic the Gathering Trading Card game meets up to play against one another and gather points in a computerize system to gain ranks or to qualify yourself to play in the tournaments.), I would never in my right mind think that there would be so many people actually spend their money to be playing this kinda game. It is basically a huge community consisting huge numbers of matured married working adults, playing and trading. Prizes from hundreds to millions in tournaments have been proven. Crazy?

I do not know their reason for playing. They might be real geeks or otherwise.

Me?...

I am just bored.

j0nb

"... budgetting is...
... to remind us how broke we really are... "

You'll be amazed how many people actually do make plans on their financial portfolio.
John Lennon once said,

"Life happens when you are busy making plans."

Indeed he is right. Unfortunately for him, he did not manage to make much use of it, after being shot and all, but I guess that is not the main point.

I do take heed to what he said. Which explains why I am always broke in the beginning of the month. But to second my notion on my spendrift nature, I truly believe I am living my life the way I wanted it to. I do not want to stop and look back to find myself asking,

"Why didn't I do it before?"

I can live with only dollars enough for a bus fare but I can't live with regrets. You never know when you are gonna die anyway so might as well live through it like it was your last.

Now...

What should I buy today?


*confessions of a spend-a-holic

j0nb

"... demons, devils and angels...
... I am neither..."

This is dedicated to you Jolene :)


someone said,

"... Jon, your mom is really an extremist"
" yeah I know, try living with her"

Most of you might know what that particular someone is referring to. In case you do not, my mom is an extreme follower of her religion.

I have nothing against religions. I am a Christian myself just like my mother and family. It is just that sometimes my mom really take her beliefs to the next level. By means of next level I mean close to fanatical. The fact is that she did not crucify me on a cross or burn me on a stake made me believe that she is still an inch short of being a fanatic, which explains I'm not the godly or pious person you might know. But that is an entirely different story.

My mom, is the main reason why I totally refrain myself from the spiritual realm. Let me draw you some pictures.

I came back from work about 7am in the morning after an overnight shift. Almost going to bed, she came knocking on my door and start telling me how another friend of hers converted to Christianity. (minor note: Christians tends to be excited wee bit much when they manage to convince someone to join their flock... trust me) I was too tired to entertain her, so I told her I needed sleep, in a very grouchy tone. She was like,

"... see, Satan is stopping you from hearing the good news..."
" Ma, I've been up the whole night. Give me a break"
" Hmph, I am gonna rebuke you from the devil so you will accept his good news"
" ...you do whatever you want lah..."

Then I close the door on her. It does not stop her though. Next minute she started to murmur (speaking in "tongues" for all you Christians). Then it gets louder, and louder and LOUDER (almost hysterical). I gave up... I open the door... look her into the eyes... and said...

"where's the nearest Hospital?"
" why?"
"So I can go and kill myself"

Don't laugh. This is the kinda things I go through living with a person who have strong beliefs about God. It is really good. I have nothing against it, but please... leave me out of it.

I don't know if God exist or not, or to say I don't really care. I mean if HE does, and loves me unconditionally, its great. Does not affect me even if otherwise. Don't ask me why, or better, don't judge me. Why? Thou who judge would be judged... something like that, as the Christians would call it.

Besides my mom, I always believed that there is too much hypocrisy when it comes to Christianity. This is also in reference to Jolene's blog in which I agree to a certain extent. Then there is too many questions on the existence of the Lord in which created mere confusion that deters me in believing.

We were talking about Da Vincci Code the other day,

Raymond said "... ohhh, Da Vincci the guy... what was it about again ha?"

*shakes head

But yeah, the story itself is indeed fictional. It did cause uneasiness towards some believers but then again why should it? A firm Christian would have torched the bookstore if she/he could.

This is off the record, but I assume this Christianity thing is just a huge syndicate that is bound to be discovered as the years go by. I have always wonder, what would happen if WE found out that there was no such thing as Jesus Christ, or he was not as what we know as the son of God but just a mere conman who understand and excels in manipulating people to follow his side? That will indeed be an opening for an apocalypse.

There is so many questions I have in mind, but they would tell me to have faith and all those will be answered. How in the world you want me to believe if you can't even give me a simple explanation? In the book of Genesis, the first verse, talked about the creation of Earth. 7 days in total. 7 days in God's days might have meant 3,000,000,000,000,000 years. Because after he separated the sea and the land, light and dark, he totally skipped Dinosaurs and created birds and fishes. Great.

Jackee said "... the 2 person God created... was a remake of Snow White eating the apple"

*shakes head again

This 2 beings is another joke (no offense to Adam and Eve). I don't know what Christians have against apples and snakes, but talking snakes would definitely scare the shit out of me. But yeah, to them, this 2 ultimate beings are the reasons to our existence. Now to ponder, we are the descendants of Adam and Eve, which means also that your wife or your husband is also a descendant of Adam and Eve. So we are brothers and sisters no? So why is it wrong to be sleeping with your blood brother or worst, your mother if our existence started off on that foot? More even so, why not polygamy? Why is it against the 10 Commandments when this was how it was?

I can go on with the things my mom filled me with and the questions that comes along with it. But I'm afraid I might be assassinated.

To sum it up, I honestly do not care what a religion is based on as long it does not harm anyone. Just hopefully it does not force you to believe in it like how my mom does. You can't really tell if a religion is right or wrong. WE decide what is right or wrong. What is humanely acceptable for the society is always perceived to be right.

This is a food for thought for some, or poison, you decide.

As for me... I've decided ^_^

j0nb

"... who are you?...
... what are you?..."

I am just as normal as any of you. Some might really disagree just because I don't think parallel to you but seriously...

How does that make me any different?

If I blend rice and drink them instead of eating them the way they should makes me abnormal? I believe I still have my share of carbs, just differently yet still the same.

If I practice polygamy, does that makes me unfaithful? I don't cheat, I don't lie and yet I love them unconditionally.

If I want a son who's mixed with foreign blood, and the fact I only have a Chinese wife, does that make me crazy? I just want what is best for my very own son.

Before I go on, let me clarify on the details above... the first two letters of those sentences are KEY~~

So yeah, I am the same person as any person you have met or known. I have the same needs and wants. Maybe my approach is slightly different but it does not give you the right to judge.

I was out with the bunch just now, and Sheryl asked me,

" do you sleep?"
" of course I do, the question is when. Why did you ask?"
" well I see you every night and then you go to work, then I see you again... "
" this is called TIME MANAGEMENT"
"yeer so abnormal..."

As long as I have my 8 hours (or maybe less) who cares what time I sleep? I'm not insomniac, neither am I having trouble sleeping at the right time. I mean seriously, there is no right time. The right time is when I have the time to rest enough, go to work fresh and play hard, is all that counts.

This is just a small example of my irregularity...

which makes me the most regular person you will ever know ^_^


j0nb

"... it is not being lazy...
... it's regenerating if not recuperating... "

I apologize for being stagnant again. You just don't know how difficult it is to think of something significant to pen down whereby when you have the chance to read through it again you won't be asking yourself,

"... I don't have anything else better to do?..."

Or maybe I am just saving up all the good memoirs and readying myself for the greatest piece in abstract literature (if there is such a term) to ensure people who does read what I wrote more even myself, a good run for their money.

Perhaps, I mentioned earlier that I would want to redecorate this very "space" in a way that it will not bore the living shit out of you.

------------------- *another voice speaks*---------------------

... but seriously Jon... enough of excuses...

You're just LAZY, procrastinating, s l o w, indecisive... everything... but none from the above.

----------------------------
Here's some examples

It took you an hour later to reach your office

It took you 2 weeks to write to your real father (128 words-email)
It took you 3 months to update your blog
It took you 6 months to go the bank to settle your finance
It took you 7 days to get a fresh new pair of undies from the cleaners
It took you 365 days to hand in that assignment you owe your dean
It took you 4300km extra to get your car serviced (not yet btw)

That is a whole lot of numbers you have intentionally elongated to get a certain work done. I suppose you might be thinking that there could not be any justification to the things that you do or have done.

On the other hand,

You have made time for sleep
You have made time for people who needed your attention
You have made time for recreation
You have made time to inspire your mind
You have made time to look at things thoroughly if not differently
You have made time to appreciate the sudden things that come in your way


... You have taken and you have made... shouldn't it reconcile in your life's ledger, just like credit and debit? No?

Which explains why you are still in your office when your work was suppose to end 2 hours ago and your work is still not done, hence, YOU updated your blog!!!

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G


j0nb

"... a change is not a change...
... when things are different but you feel the same..."

I am seriously spending too much time at work. Thinking that by occupying myself with tons of things to do would make me feel better about myself which on the contrary, I feel stagnant and oblivious. I spent at least 14 of hours at work and 7-8 hours of sleep to regenerate which leaves me a balance of 2 measly hours which I try to make most of it by fulfilling my social life if not recreation. I feel like I am on the verge between losing my sanity to the infamous zombieism.

I NEED A GOD DAMN B R E A K

The only great thing I am looking forward to is my trip. One of the many things I wish for is finally coming to a realization.

The land of the rising sun.

Being said, I will die a happier man.

At the mean time, I need to do something drastic with my life. To relinquish myself. Relish my primal carnal sadistic inner masochist ahbeng self and realize all my dreams.

... but hell...

Where should I start?


j0nb

p.s: need to revamp the site. this dull blog is demoralizing. Brushing up my photoshopping skills and make this one eye candy ^_^V

"... too little time in a day...
... yet you wasted most of them away..."

I felt time is moving too fast yet too slow. Watched the clock ticks minutes away and I'm here sitting and thinking what have I done yesterday. I am free but felt otherwise...

I miss...

not knowing where to go
not knowing what to do
whom I met
what have I done
wondering if it's right
wondering if it's wrong

It is true... perfection... makes you less human.


j0nb

"... what goes around...
... will come smacking into your face... "

I could not afford to be subtle in this entry. Especially when you realize that karma is not either.

Lets start from the beginning.

It is not that the whole of January was uneventful. I just had this feeling that I could not be fucking bothered to write about "normal" and happy moments. It is the bad ones that are worth telling.

why?

We gloat at people's misfortunes. Many deemed sadistic in nature. We are curious to why "shit happens" as opposed to "hey it's a beautiful day". Men do not read the newspapers to see who won the lottery or what is the incoming weather forecast. We read when someone got raped by 5 men, butchered and dismembered. We read when a car crashed into a public lavatory or when someone jumped of a bloody roof... even if it was printed in fine print.

why...

...oh well...

January was a great month. New Year's great, family's wonderful, happy friends, new clothes, birthdays (Dad's, Joe and the 3 wheeler), Graduation (Dip in Hotel Management), Bonus and the list goes on and yet... I feel the same.

February on the other hand...

My very distant ex's husband died due to substance intake and alcohol. I was not surprised nor do I feel any hint of remorse. Just felt that she had it coming. We can contemplate the fact why am I so inhumane but seriously... who cares? You?
...Maybe it was salvation that her husband requires, living with that woman for that long of a time was probably why this should be a redemption instead. If you wanna hear me bitch about this particular woman, should be done on an entire different entry. But yeah, he died. Kudos and good luck.

I have not won a single cent since Chinese New Year. Let me rephrase that...


I have been fucking losing every single cent since Chinese New Year!!! Good year for the rooster, my bloody fucking black "baboonic" ASS.


'nuff said...

Today basically took the whole cake. Initially I thought that after such a loooooooooooooooooong time since I have been to church, just thought that HE appreciates the fact that I made an effort to see HIM in such a long while, turns out to be some wicked punishment of sorts by the DeViL himself. Slept and snored through the whole sermon, and I thought my dead grandmother was bad enough.

Went out for a little window shopping when my lady boss called and wreaked HELL on earth due to my stupid mistakes. An hour an a half after she slammed my call, I received a text from my boss again due to another mistake and seeking explanation.

DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO COME IN PAIRS?!?!?!

Latter part, I was forced to skipped my 8th day Chinese New Year Celebration just because I took my leave on a wrong day and none of my colleagues are willing to change. I'm so screwed by her... sigh...

... now I challenge you Mr. Karma...

... is that all you got? *spit

bite me


j0nb

"... the signs are everywhere...
...people just pick what they wanted to see..."

You tried to reach out but to no avail. In silent contemplation you wondered if you have figured it wrong.

Maybe we are all afraid.

I know I am. How vulnerable it can be. I might have it no longer.

Maybe it is not even mine for the taking. I'm just fortunate for what it is worth.

Thank you.

I'm missing her already.

p.s: I'm hungry... French Fries right now will do me justice...


j0nb

"... this year's vintage...

... just like a good bottle of wine..."

The life, bottled and corked in a cellar of memories.

Some drink off it, got drunk, and forget.
Some keep, reap the value and appreciates.

This year and the next... would make no difference. How relevant it is to the precious fluid that many shares different affinity to. Hoping that one day, someone might acquire the same tannin taste that both might enjoy.

... till then, you're just hoping.

The end of 2008 marks a milestone. Many claims that there were no changes but I plead otherwise. Christmas dinner was the hugest ever, considering the fact I have a small but diversified family. Plus nothing beats meeting cousins who thinks you are weird and treats you as an outcast.

Adidas "Philly Blunt" Superstar

A great Christmas yet again for the fact my sister always manage to get me something I like. I have also spend a fair amount of presents for friends and family. Buying six watches (2 is illustrated below),a handbag and 2 bracelets. What I got in return is 2 ties (please take note, I hate ties), a pair of awesome sneakers and an ugly useless paperweight. Oh well... beggars can't be choosers. I've learn to take things as they go, thus living to the fullest is top priority. I'm making afternoon tea a habit from now on... though I am truly aware of what it is doing to my weight.Seriously, how could you resist something like that? With the wide array of food and alcohol, it strikes me odd that I'm finally gaining weight... at the wrong places. I'm accountable for the doings thus I have to receive penance. 2 hours gym sessions 3 times a week is not helping. Not when my drinking partner is always around since the day he got back from Philly. I suppose they have groomed him well. Tolerance wise:PWe practically soak up Marketplace every night whilst enjoying the flamboyant gays parading at every corner of our sight.

As we wave 2008 goodbye and welcoming 2009 with style, I never expect a house party could be this wild. Huge lawn, D.I.Y Strobes, PVD tracks, 200 bucks of wet greens, and a monstrous selection of processed ethanol at our dispense. I remembered someone brought Mac and cheese, I would marry that person just to have those everyday. Argh!! Binge, binge binge...


Uncorking 2008, bitter tannin at the start, sweet aftertaste with a hint of spice. Solid body overall but sadly was not matured enough.

Now I just wished I had a couple more bottle of those:P

j0nb