"... fresh start...

... is never fresh..."

It has taken me awhile; heaving from the weight upon my chest, day after day...

Gaze upon the reflection of my memories, I see a myriad of emotions, a kaleidoscope of distortion of actuality. All seemed so familiar...

... deja vu...

j0nb

"... no one deserves a second chance to start over...

... just an opportunity to make things right after..."

I have made a mistake. The mistake is ME.

In my discovery in uncovering the facts, I have found myself intertwine in a very twisted plot. A long chain of deceiving acts. Just when I thought I have the situation under control, I was actually a puppet, yanked to the mastermind's bidding.

... and they succeeded.

In my pursue to seek the balance in my life, I left myself naked. I was oblivious to the fact.

So, have I not done anything wrong?

I did...

... by leaving my guard down and being sincere.

... by being selfish so that I can make everyone happy.

... by lying so I won't hurt anyone but myself.

... by giving another chance to be abused by trust.

... by neglecting attention and handling it alone.

I did, and I won't deny it.

I did and I'm ashamed of it.

I did and I can't regret about it.

This has indeed proven that it only takes ONE fucking hand to clap. As the opposing side wins, it would not matter. This is because I believe that this statement is untrue...

"you cannot trust anybody in this world"

Huh?

"trust everyone... as if they are your enemy"

Now, that's more like it ^.^

j0nb

"... superficial behavior...
... that is ironically cliche..."

Whitney Houston- Saving all my love for you
A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you

You used to tell me we'd run away together
Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient, just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy
I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling when
you walk through that door
'cause tonight is the night, for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love for you

No other woman, is gonna love you more
Cause tonight is the night, that I'm feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yeah I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love for you
For you, for you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Beverly Craven- Promise me
You light up another cigarette
and I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light
now I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night
You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away
lying by my side
when I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cos I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cos I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

Promise me you'll wait for me
'cos I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon

A dedication to myself...

j0nb

"... once bitten, twice shy...
... twice bitten, never try..."

I feel insecure, antagonizing fear...

Whom do you trust? What do you believe? Where are the facts?

It has never bothered me. I could not care less on what people think. People who knows me well enough, this does not affect me. Why? Sticks and stones may break my bones but words could never hurt me.

Perhaps it is because I'm an escapist.
Perhaps I'm denial.
Perhaps I love to manipulate.

They could believe what they wanted to believe. They could listen what they wanted to hear. They can look at what they saw... but they will never see...

Never see...
Never understand...
Never feel...

I cannot afford to be empathetic, no longer. Neither could I try to understand why...

Love me or hate me. I don't care... or maybe I stopped caring. I am for what I am.

Who are you to judge?


j0nb

"... falling in love with yourself...
... is definitely the hardest love of all..."

Acceptance.

You were never satisfied with the way you look. You wish you were taller, buffed. You wish that pimple or that scar would just go away. Or the extra meat on your belly would just end up either on your chest or arms.

Acceptance?

She says you nag too much. She complaints that you are always late. You make no sense to her. She compares you to any Tom, Dick and Harry.

...

Now imagine... what if your other half is the exact replica of what you are? A metaphor that seemed so familiar, in which indeed has proven that it takes only Jesus to accept you for who you are. Sadly I was comfortable living with myself or I thought I was... and the reason maybe the case that you/I could not comprehend being alone without yourself.

Now all you/I have left to do is to accept... and pray that it does not eat you and I alive.


j0nb

"... wake me up...

... when October ends..."

A night I spent with Joe at Steven's Corner in OUG, it came to me. How long has it been since I came here? How did it went by so fast?

It has been almost a week, since October. It still feel so close. So many has happened.
But I guess the good one always stays...

The early of the month started off like a maestro on a masterpiece. A rare celebration of the day I was born...
... with the only woman who managed to tolerate 8 years of a 27 year-old abomination...

... and of course the whole entourage of freakiest family members.

That was only the appetizers... did I mention the word freaky?

Then came the 3 men that made my life felt like a highway with tons traffic lights... literally...

This is the main reasons behind the anomaly of my life... yeah both of you should be proud.
... what did I say...
This is the 3 women... in which totally changed my perceptions on women entirely.

See... I did not lie...

... this video is not suitable for minors... as it is proven that the female specimen has indeed ee von, *cough, I mean evolved.

After the turbulence ended... with a lot of sumo bed fights...

... things have started to unwind and tuned down.

Trying to facade myself and be "normal"...
p/s: I hate weddings...

... but injuring myself in the process. Sprained shoulder and broken knuckle is definitely a great way to end the month.

Now I wonder... if these were the good ones, the bad ones could really mean something...


j0nb

"... irony of masochism...
... parody of sadism..."

Have you ever wondered the sufferings? Why is there pain? Degradation and humiliation?

Not that I myself pondered about it, but it seems to revolve around my life too often as it is. We either choose to live it with or be denial and pretend that it's a bed of roses. Amazingly for some people, it is their fuel to live, their purpose of their existence. My mum use to say "... Son ar... first you have to taste bitter, then you will learn how to appreciate the sweet...", that coming out from my mum has to be something either really religious or makes completely no sense at all. Mockery aside, I truly find the composition makes perfect sense. Thanks ma:)

Looking at the things happening around me recently made me wonder...

I'm a sadist...

I inflicted misery, make a mockery of certain people, and host series of drama. And they keep on coming back for more... damn masochists.

I throw hurtful statements, they find humor.
I push them away, they splash attention.
I abuse them, they understand.
I hurt myself, they feel pain.

At the given same time...

I'm a masochist...

They entertain me, I chose to be depressed.
They care for me, I wanted to be alone.
They give me peace, I seek for trouble.
I hurt myself and wallow in my own misery.

It is like a perfect symphony of mixed emotions... just like Romeo and Juliet.

" ... but why?", they asked...

" ... you will never be happy", they said...

I suppose it is because I just get to live my life just once, and I chose to make the most of it... ...bitter sweetly...


j0nb